We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her, and a man who compliments her .... a man who spends money on her, and a man who invests in her .... a man who views her as property, and a man who views her properly ..... a man who lusts after her, and a man who loves her ..... a man who believes he is God's gift to women, and a man who remembers a woman was God's gift to man.
This anonymous quote is making the rounds on Facebook, and has been picked up in Tweets and blogs too. While I understand the message and quite agree that we need to teach young women to choose healthy relationships, I guess some of the wording just doesn't sit right with me. I thought perhaps I'd reply to the quote line by line, and offer my perspective to those who care to read it. (I am ignoring in this instance the possibility that a daughter may not be called to a monogamous, heterosexual relationship. I am also leaving the initial quote intact, despite the switch from a plural to a singular subject in the first line. There's plenty of time to be a grammar cop later.)
"We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her, and a man who compliments her ...."
Yes, young women's heads are often turned by men who offer excessive praise. Then again, I suppose young men have the same problem with women who offer flirtatious praise. How sincere is any of it,
no matter how subtle it may be? None of us should be expected to see into the hearts and minds of prospective partners in order to judge the motive behind a compliment. Instead, perhaps we should be daring and accept what another says at face value. And we should speak the truth also - from our hearts, without fear of being rejected or of the sentiment not being reciprocated. Hiding our feelings is just as much a lie as any other. Don't we teach our children to be honest in all things?
So I say we should teach our daughters to accept compliments gracefully, and to give them freely when they are moved to do so. We should teach that compliments are not currency with which we can obtain favours, but expressions of our own joy and pleasure.
And perhaps we might also want to shift the emphasis to our daughters choosing the men who complement them. Outward appearances and physical attraction are fine for a casual fling. But in all relationships - be they romances, friendships, or work partnerships - our children should gravitate towards the people who are a good fit for them, whose strengths make up for their own weaknesses, and whose needs allow our sons and daughters to be useful.
"a man who spends money on her, and a man who invests in her ...."
Agreed on this one. I'd rather see a young man invest his time in making a gift or planning a simple date for my daughter, than throwing around his money to impress her. I'd rather see him making an effort to become more a part of her family life, or taking an interest in the things she holds dear. Love isn't about money.
"a man who views her as property, and a man who views her properly ....."
Again agreed, although I wonder what the author meant by "properly." My definition would be with respect, and the way she wants to be seen. It's every woman's right to choose the role she wants to play in a relationship, no matter what that may be.
A real man will be open-minded enough to let her be the woman she wants to be. And if there is too much of a conflict between what he wants from a partner and what she wants to be, he'll tell her so without judging her.
It isn't easy to find the person that truly complements us. Some search a whole lifetime and never find that person. It's all right for a young man to admit a my daughter isn't right for him. But it's best we all learn to walk away from a relationship respectfully, as we came into it. The one who walks away this time, will one day be the one left standing as his partner bids him farewell.
"a man who lusts after her, and a man who loves her ....."
Sorry, I have to disagree there. Following on the comment about viewing her "properly," this part of the litany implies any sort of physical attraction or desire is wrong, that our daughters should be chaste and not chased. Are we trying to teach our daughters to be independent women who choose healthy, life-affirming relationships, or are we asserting our ownership over them? My daughter is no one's property.
I accept that my daughter has been a sexual creature since infancy, and I hold to a Pagan creed that celebrates that fact. "All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals..." Sexual intimacy begins with simple acts like holding hands and kissing. Sure, it gets a lot more complicated. And when she's ready to consider a more physical relationship I hope my daughter will feel she can come to me for guidance. But I would never ask her to settle for a man whose love is void of the desire to be her lover.
"a man who believes he is God's gift to women, and a man who remembers a woman was God's gift to man."
I suppose this is the part that really troubled me. My worldview doesn't include the creation of a woman who would simply be a helpmate to man. I feel no need to teach my girls they are descended from a being created from a spare rib. We are all - male and female - human beings. No one is better than the other, and no one has been put on this earth only to keep the other happy. We each have an individual purpose to pursue. "Every man and every woman is a Star."
Further, I wouldn't want to dissuade my daughter from being with a man because he is cocky. In my universe, the divine lives within creation and therefore in every woman and man. My husband is not God's gift to women; rather he is a child of that which created us all, and he carries the divine within him as I do. When we see one another clearly we can truly say, "Thou art God. Thou art Goddess."We all have different levels of tolerance for those whose self-love is very obvious. Let it be our daughters who decide how much swagger they will put up with - or how much swagger they find attractive in a man. Let us not castrate our young men's self-expression in order that none be offended. A boy who lays it on too thick will soon learn the girls he desires aren't impressed. By trial and error he will learn to wear his masculinity with ease. Let us give him the time and space to learn the lessons that are his, for it is not only our young women who need to adopt to healthy lifestyles and choose loving relationships. We are each responsible for our own acts. What will we seek to teach our sons, that they may carry their weight in the relationships they choose?
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